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Rate Your Hangover

1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a
mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced
energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still
feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy

2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but
you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is
only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie
tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night
has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl/guy walks by you gag because her
perfume/his cologne reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45
a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a
dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the cartoon network.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a
liter of coke-yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly
or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for
being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You
wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that guys, you
missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, and girls, it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look
like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover,(*****) aka "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is
seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your
tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You
definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what
you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed
at your house.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the "Infinite
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you looked
at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your
cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is
amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages
to get up before you the next morning....You try to lift your
head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly
only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and
suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some
jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was
your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see
remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your
forehead......that explains the stamp on the back of your hand
that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis.
You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds As you
crawl to your closet to get dressed, you swear off any and all
alcoholic drinks and promise God that you'll never set foot in a
bar again.
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