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If men TRULY ruled the world

1. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the ''public ugliness'' ordinance.

2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to ''I love you.''

3. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

4. Faucets would run ''Hot,'' ''Cold,'' and ''100 proof.''

5. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

6. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

7. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

8. Hallmark would make ''Sorry, what was your name again?'' cards.

9. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

10. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a ''Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time'' would pretty much do it.

11. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

12. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

13. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

14. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like ''Haywood J'Blowme.''

15. ''Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night'' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

16. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your fiancee with a giant foam hand that said, ''You're #1!''

17. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

18. COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the crooks.

19. Two words: Ally McNaked.

20. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

21. Every man would get four real ''Get Out of Jail Free'' cards per year.

22. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: ''You know how fast you were going?'' You: ''All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.'' Cop: ''Nice one. That's $10 off.''
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